Is It Really a Joke? The Line Between Humor and Harm

Laughter is healing. It’s a love language.
But sometimes, what we call “jokes” are really unspoken judgments wrapped in sarcasm.

We grow up hearing:

• “Don’t be so sensitive, it’s just a joke.”

• “This is how we love each other—by teasing.”

• “If we didn’t make fun of you, we wouldn’t care!”

And in some families or cultures, especially in Latino households, this kind of humor is tradition. It’s bonding. It’s cariño.
But there’s a fine line between playful teasing and emotional erosion—and too often, that line is crossed.

What’s the Difference?

Healthy Humor feels:

• Safe

• Inclusive

• Shared

• Free of humiliation

Harmful Humor feels:

• One-sided

• Demeaning

• Passive-aggressive

• Like everyone’s laughing… except the person being laughed at

The difference is in the impact, not just the intention.
If the joke cuts, lingers, or makes someone question their worth—it’s not funny. It’s emotional camouflage.

Why People Use Humor to Put Others Down

Humor can be a shield. When someone makes a hurtful comment and follows it with “Just kidding,” it can actually be:

• A way to express resentment without accountability

• A form of control or superiority

• A mask for jealousy, fear, or discomfort with vulnerability

• A passive way to communicate real frustration that they’re too afraid to say directly

The message becomes:

“I’ll make you feel small and then blame you for taking it the wrong way.”

That’s not love. That’s a lack of emotional maturity.

What Are the Different Types of Humor?

Understanding the types of humor helps us use it to connect—not hurt.

1. Affiliative Humor
   Uplifting, shared laughter that brings people together (e.g., inside jokes, family stories, light teasing with consent).

2. Self-Enhancing Humor
   Finding joy or playfulness in one’s own struggles without self-shaming.

3. Aggressive Humor
   Sarcasm, mocking, or “roasting” that often targets others, especially in front of an audience.

4. Self-Defeating Humor
   Making fun of yourself to win approval or avoid deeper conversations—often rooted in insecurity.

Making Fun of the Ones You Love: What’s the Message?

When you “joke” about someone’s weight, their job, their parenting, their partner…
When you call your child “lazy” or your spouse “clueless” and laugh it off…
The message underneath might be:

• “You’re not enough.”

• “You’re a disappointment.”

• “I’m better than you.”

Even if that’s not what you meant, that’s what lands.

Humor should never require someone to shrink to make you laugh.
Love does not humiliate. Love holds. Love uplifts—even when it teases.

What You Can Do Instead

• Check your intent AND your impact.
  If they’re not laughing with you, it’s not a shared joke.

• Apologize when you’ve crossed the line.
  “Hey, I realized that comment may have hurt you. I’m sorry—I value you and didn’t mean to disrespect you.”

• Model healthy humor for your kids and partner.
  Tease with kindness. Laugh with—not at. Use humor to connect, not control.

• Speak what you really mean.
  If there’s resentment, address it. Don’t hide it behind sarcasm.

Let’s Normalize Humor That Heals—Not Humor That Hurts

At The Couples Therapy and Reunification Counseling, we help families, couples, and individuals navigate communication patterns, including humor, teasing, and sarcasm, in culturally sensitive and emotionally safe ways.

📍 Montebello Office
3524 1/4 W Beverly Blvd, Montebello, CA 90640

📍 Newport Beach Office
1001 Dove Street, Suite 270, Newport Beach, CA 92660

Let’s laugh in a way that lifts.
Let’s love in a way that lasts.
www.thecouplestherapy.com